Fic Title: Did you write the book of love?
Genre: humor, team!fic
Why This Must Be Read: He told me to ask you about the birds and the bees." Eliot plays the reluctant matchmaker. Great team fic, as everybody comes to terms with Parker/Hardison in their own ways. ;)
It's not that Eliot doesn't listen to Hardison. He listens to Alec a lot. For all his geeky rambling and embarrassing pop culture references, Alec is a smart guy who knows a lot of important stuff, like how to alter CIA records to erase covert activities and how to send InterPol on a wild goose chase through Lichtenstein and how to get every channel ESPN ever so much as thought about broadcasting without paying a cent. Most of the time, Alec is a good guy to have around.
This is not one of those times.
"I'm just worried, man, that it might send the wrong message," Alec says. He has his this is serious business, you better damn well be listening face on, although it might be his very similar if you annoy me I will redirect a top secret military weapon satellite to vaporize your lily-white punk ass, don't think I won't face. Both faces are accompanied by an awful lot of talking, so that doesn't help Eliot narrow it down. "It's the symbolism, you know? I really ain't down with that racist primitive peoples shit they have going on, but that's what you get from a franchise that creates an entire desert planet without a single brother living there, but I just think maybe dancing teddy bears might send a more positive message than the alternative."
Eliot blinks. "Wait, what? Alternative what?" He's pretty sure this conversation did not have dancing teddy bears in it when he stopped paying attention five minutes ago.
"Dude," Alec says. He leans forward earnestly, and Eliot can practically see him redirecting weapons satellites in his mind. "I'm asking you, mano a mano, do you think The Empire Strikes Back is too intense for a first date?"
Eliot blinks again. "If I had a light saber," he says, "I would stab you right now."
Alec scoffs, unimpressed. "You do not have what it takes to be a Jedi, Mister Let's-Resort-To-Violence-Always. Besides, a light saber is made for slashing, not stabbing."
Eliot scowls. "I could so be a Jedi."
Alec rolls his eyes. "You just keep telling yourself that, Darth Maul. Are you gonna help me plan my date or not?"